I don’t know what it is about strapping something to the roof of your car, but it seems to cause a great number of people to completely lose their minds. My favorite instance of this is around Christmas where I have a nearly 10 year streak of seeing people with Christmas trees on the roof of their car or minivan… backwards. Yes, with the top pointing forward. These trees are usually in an advanced state of disrepair, depending upon the highway speeds they have been subjected to. The branches are often broken or missing completely, some still valiantly hanging on but ultimately doomed to become flattened underneath the tires of the person driving behind them. Maybe its just the same guy every year? I digress…
The TransCanada Highway crosses the Fraser River between Surrey and Coquitlam via the Port Mann Bridge. I am not a fan of driving the freeway, so I tend to merge on right before the bridge, so as to avoid the highway nuts as much as possible. This time I was held up by a minivan full of people in their mid 40’s or so. People who should know better. Tied to the roof of their minivan was a rather haphazardly strapped double sized mattress. Since this person had cut me off while exiting their driveway, I know for a fact that the seemingly absent tie down devices were never deployed in the first place. All I could discern holding down this mattress was a rope tied around it, and looped through the roof rack. ONE rope, and a thin one at that.
I backed off… because I predicted what ultimately did happen next, although with more drama than I had originally anticipated. The mattress-minivan combo drove very slowly, indicating that the driver knew the inherent trouble often found while transporting mattresses strapped to roofs. Not strongly enough, however, to properly secure the damn thing in the first place. He merges onto the highway, which at that point is an 80 km/hr zone, only he is going about 50. This causes the obvious problems. He does manage to merge… albeit by once again cutting someone off. I am still trailing behind him. He is creeping over the bridge still going only about 50, causing much road rage in those around him. It is at this point, about 1/3 of the way across, that the mattress decides to start to relieve itself of its imprisoned nature. The front part fold up into the air, making it look like one of those “camperized” Volkswagen vans. As I had originally predicted, the mattress eventually gains its freedom… flies up in to the air.. and lands on the Honda Civic ahead of me (in the fast lane), completely covering the windshield. He slams on his brakes, as he likely cannot see anything, and unfortunately veers into the “slow” lane right into the path of a logging truck.
Luckily for Mr. Honda Civic, the truck doesn’t hit him, but at that point the mattress flies off of the Honda’s windshield… and lodges itself under the front bumper of the logging truck. At this point I’ve slowed down such that the truck is ahead of me. A mattress trapped at highway speeds under the front of a large truck like this one is subject to a lot of friction… and consequently catches fire. A lot of smoke billows from under the truck, and a few flames can be seen as well. Finally, it dislodges itself… and I don’t know what came of it after that, but it couldn’t have been pretty. A burning mattress jaywalking on the freeway cannot end well.
This pissed me off. Someone could have easily been killed. I endeavored to get the license plate of the minivan. This guy had been driving 50 but when he lost his mattress he obviously realized it and started driving like he was an Indy car. I was unable to catch him… as he was going well over 100 and weaving in and out of traffic like a madman. I wish for many speed traps and venereal diseases in his future.
Its times like these that I wish I had one of those James Bond cars with a rocket launcher etc mounted to the front of it. This would only work if I was the only person with a car like that. Sadly, my terminally ill Subaru did not come equipped with such things. The sunroof, however, is excellent.